12-care121

The pressure ultimately got too much for you. What with all the television commercials (featuring young fit clones climbing mountains, wrestling alligators, and sipping lattes to the sound of victorious and brawny jingles), the print ads and the beckoning sales lots, the freeways and country roads and urban streets all swarming with emblems of your inadequacy.

Who can really blame you? All your neighbors have one. All your friends have one. Rock stars and politicians have ‘em. Even your mom probably has one. Besides, not only do the Thule racks make you look thinner but you—unlike nearly everyone else—really need the extra space.

So, like the camel with the broken back, you finally bent underneath the weight; fevered and senseless, salivating with Pavlovian lust, you signed on the 158 dotted lines and became the owner of a SUV. What complete joy it must have been to join the ranks of the millions who came before you.

I imagine it felt like being cradled within the tender bosom of a loving family or welcomed into a rarified club to the heartfelt singing of “He’s a Jolly Good Fellow”. Wherever your emotions took you, I’m sure that you went to bed with visions of mud, kayaks, and offroad paradises dancing in your head. And all those heady dreams of REI must have been sopping wet.

Then the nasty, unspeakable truth set in. After buying skis and bicycles and kayaks and GPS systems and tents and fishing poles and every climbing apparatus that Black Diamond makes, after paying insurance, car payments, and buying enough gasoline to make your monster run, you are forced to work overtime every weekend to afford your brave new SUV lifestyle.

Hell! Even without the outdoor equipment, the fuel costs alone are enough to keep your family starving and homebound. What will your friends, neighbors and co-workers think when week after week your SUV remains immaculate and the roof racks sit barren and lonely?

What will this do to your psyche? The fantasies of off-roading in virgin forests. The visions of jarring maneuvers up to the top of some impossibly steep crag overlooking the vast orange of a southwestern desert. All those blissful reveries of driving over boulders and fallen trees on your way to the Class 5 river where you and your friends will hurtle down the whitewater like town idiots in rubber rafts.

Dreams, as so many before, shredded into hopeless tangles like government documents and credit card bills. But before you sink into complete despair, remember, appearance is everything. You really didn’t want to do all that crazy suicidal stuff, did you? It’s always been about appearance, hasn’t it? Well, you’re in luck.

As it turns out, this situation you find yourself in is not unique despite your unquestioning acceptance of the dirt-encrusted SUVs you see in driveways and parking lots (their mocking filthiness making you feel impotent). You’ve never stopped to consider that the poor fools with their grubby cars might be hiding a little secret. Listen carefully, for what I am about to tell you will save your reputation. Are you ready? Spray-on mud.

Yes, you heard me correctly. There exists a product you can purchase that will give your SUV the just-drove-through-a-bog look. It was created for folks who want to appear as if they are actually utilizing their utility vehicle in ways other than daily trips to the market and visits to the local colossal mega everything-comes-in-500-count-packages store.

Just think, with a little surreptitious effort, you can spray your way into the much envied SUV lifestyle. Come on! Pack up the useless sporting equipment and return it REI—keep the kayak and mountain bike though, you might want to drive around with them and pretend that when you’re not at work, you actually get off the couch—and get yourself a good sized stockpile of Sprayonmud. You’ll be much happier.